A yes no maybe list is the most useful sex conversation tool most couples have never used. Each partner goes through the same list of activities alone, marks every item yes, no or maybe, and then you compare. Nobody has to blurt out a fantasy across the dinner table; the list does the asking for you. Below you will find how to use one without hurting anyone’s feelings, and a full kink checklist of 50 items you can use tonight.
Couples mode of the Spicerack Kink Test is a yes no maybe list that keeps your no answers private. You each rate 24 cards as Into it, Curious or Hard no, and you only ever see the cards you are both open to. No account and no names, and answers are kept for 30 days only.
Why a yes no maybe list works
Most couples do not avoid talking about sex because they disagree. They avoid it because saying a desire out loud feels risky: what if the other person laughs, or worse, goes quiet? A checklist removes that moment. Both people answer the same neutral questions, the overlap tends to be bigger than either expected, and the maybes give you a list of things to explore that you both already half agreed to.
It also works as a BDSM checklist for people further along. Experienced players use detailed versions to negotiate scenes, because "I’m open to anything" is never actually true and a written list catches the exceptions.
How to use it without a fight
- Fill it in separately. No peeking, no hovering, no asking "what did you put for number 12".
- Be honest, not generous. A yes you do not mean is worse than a no, because your partner will act on it.
- Write conditions next to maybes. "Maybe, if we start slow." "Maybe, but not on a weeknight." The conditions are where the real information is.
- Compare overlaps first. Start with the items you both marked yes. They are the easy wins and they set a good mood for the rest.
- Treat a no as a full sentence. No arguing, no "but why". You can ask whether anything would change it, once, and then let it go.
- Redo it every few months. Tastes change. Today’s no can become next year’s maybe, and the reverse.
If one item matters a lot to you and you are nervous about raising it, read our guide on how to tell a partner about a kink before you compare.
The kink checklist: 50 items
Mark each item Y, N or M. Unsure what something means? Our kink list with definitions explains every term.
Connection and sensuality
- Slow sex with lots of eye contact
- A planned date night with candles and music
- Full body massage with warm oil
- Showering or bathing together
- Cuddling with no expectation of sex
- Being kissed for a long time before anything else
Talk
- Telling each other fantasies out loud
- Dirty talk during sex
- Being praised during sex
- Sexting during the day
- Reading erotica together
Toys and novelty
- Using a vibrator together
- A remote-controlled toy worn on a date
- Sex dice or a card game to pick what happens next
- Sex somewhere new in the house
- A weekend away just for sex
- Trying a sex machine or furniture
Power play
- Being told what to do
- Telling your partner what to do
- Asking permission before you can finish
- Being teased and edged
- Wearing a collar, or putting one on a partner
- Following a set of rules for an evening
- Playful resistance (brat play)
Restraint
- Hands held down
- Soft cuffs on wrists
- Being tied with rope
- Tying a partner up
- Spreader bar
- Blindfold
- Gag (with a non-verbal stop signal)
Sensation and impact
- Light spanking
- Harder spanking or a paddle
- A flogger
- Scratching or biting
- Ice and temperature play
- Wax play with body-safe candles
- Nipple clamps
- Feathers or a pinwheel
Roleplay and dressing up
- Strangers meeting at a bar
- A costume or uniform
- Lingerie chosen by your partner
- Leather, latex or PVC
- Primal play: chasing and wrestling
Show and watch
- Putting on a show for your partner
- Watching your partner touch themselves
- Sex in front of a mirror
- Private photos, kept just for the two of you
- Watching porn together
- Talking about a threesome as a fantasy only
What to do with your results
Sort every item into three piles. Both yes: your to-do list, start here. Yes and maybe: talk through the maybe person’s condition and try the mildest version. Anything with a no: off the table, no discussion needed. Two maybes are interesting too: neither of you will raise it alone, but both are curious.
Before trying anything on the restraint or impact lists, agree on a safeword (our safe words guide covers the options) and plan some aftercare. If most of your overlap sits in the first three sections, you are probably happily vanilla with a few sprinkles, which is great; read what vanilla sex really means. If it sits in power play, our dom vs sub guide is the next stop.
The private way to compare
The one weakness of a paper list is that your partner sees your no answers, and some people find that hard. That is exactly what couples mode of our kink test was built to fix. You take the 24 card test, send your partner an invite link, they take it on their own device, and the results only show the cards you were both into or curious about. A hard no never gets revealed. Answers are kept on Spicerack for 30 days under a random link, with no name, email or account attached.
One honest caveat, which the test also shows you: if your partner marks every card as Into it, the matches will show every card you were open to. It works best when both of you answer honestly.
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Yes no maybe list FAQ
What is a yes no maybe list?
A list of sexual activities that each partner marks yes, no or maybe on their own, then compares. It is also called a kink checklist, a BDSM checklist or a sexual inventory.
Where can I get a yes no maybe list for couples?
You can use the 50 item checklist on this page, or take the Spicerack Kink Test in couples mode, which only shows the activities you both said yes or maybe to.
What if my partner says no to something I really want?
Respect it, then ask if there is a version they would enjoy. Often the feeling behind a fantasy can be reached another way. If not, it can stay a fantasy, and that is fine.
How often should we redo the list?
Every six months or after any big change, such as a new baby or a move. Comparing old and new answers is a conversation in itself.
Take the Spicerack Kink Test together. Couples mode reveals only the kinks you share, never a hard no, so the conversation starts with things you both want. Prefer to go solo first? The regular test shows your own top three profiles.
